Golf Jokes (Latest additions at the bottom)

            Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" He says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

The Devil and the Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,” You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Mother Nature

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussy willows."

No knickers

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

Does this look like yours ?

Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.

However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.

He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"

That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.

LOFT

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yard. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong" The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong" The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong" The pro says. "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.

He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong, you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft""

The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."

New additions – 29th November 2011

 

Religious battle golf

 

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. 

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. 


"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" 


"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
 

Top Ten Signs You’re Golfing Too Much

When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter

The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.

You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.

You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.

You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.

You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?

Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.

You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife

You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.

Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.

Half Hour Late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."

The following week he shows up right on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.

He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."

I then asked him: "How come sometimes you play right- handed and other times, left-handed."

He said: "When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."

I then ask; "So, what if she is lying flat on her back?"

"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied

Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies..

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

 

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