Collections of E-mail Blasts (Latest at the bottom)

10th January 2014 – 9th February 2014  

 

deos enim religuos accepimus, Caesares dedimus – 10th January 2014

“The gods were handed down to us, but we created the Caesars (i.e., the rulers) ourselves”.

 

2014 certainly started with a big bang for Malaysians, but from the looks of it, we will probably end 2014 with  whimper.

 

Instead of the country being more determined to unite, we are driving everyone apart. Now, not only have we succeeded dividing the country by race, we are now also trying to divide the country by religion. And on top of that the so called religious experts in the government is even trying to drive the Muslims apart. Now the official religion of the country is no longer just Islam, but Sunni Islam. So if you are a Shiite, Sufi, Kharijite, Ahmadiya, etc, you may be prosecuted and persecuted in Malaysia. That’s like the Catholics saying the Protestants, the followers of the Church of England etc, are not Christians.

 

I had met a wonderful couple during the New Year’s eve when a dear friend decided to hold a small celebration at his restaurant. The couple have been married for thirty years, the husband being a Malay and therefore a Sunni Muslim and the wife, an Iranian, a Shiite. Me being me, the curious part of my personality (or as we Malaysians will normally say, the “kay poh chi” part) took over the moment she said that she’s Iranian. We had a long chat before the fireworks of 2014 started. She told me that once the immigration officer in Malaysia had asked her whether she is Sunni or Shia, and she responded, “I pray to Allah, and my prophet is Mohamad”, and that basically shut the immigration officer up! If I was the one being asked, I would have just told the immigration officer, “EAT MY GOLF BALLS!!!”

 

We all know that all religions are good, BUT religion has been politicised since the very existence of religion. Why? Because religion is a good way to control people. Simple!!! And that is exactly what the government is doing in this country. Use religion to control the Malays, since 60% of the population are Malays and supposedly Muslims! There was even a mantra being preached a few years ago, “You are a Muslim first, a Malay second”, and it was argued that a Malay is born a Muslim! Hmmm, not if my knowledge of history is right. Islam only came to this region in the 12th century with the arrivals of the Arab merchants. Before that the Malays were practising Hinduism! In fact the King of Kedah, Phra Ong Mahawangsa was a Hindu. He converted to Islam in 1136! My ancestors are the Bugis, who were pirates, and eventually became the ruler of the state of Perak. Now, with my little religious understanding, sea piracy is not an activity that is part of the Islamic faith. So I am assuming that my ancestors were probably not practicing any religion (as no religion I know allows piracy) or were practicing some form of weird “religion”. So if my ancestors were non-Muslims, was I born a Muslim? Are my genes Islamic? I am a practicing Muslim now, and so were my parents and their parents, but how far that goes is beyond me. Does the fact that my nearest ancestors were practicing Muslim makes me a Muslim by birth? What if I never uttered the “shahadah” (the proclamation that Allah is God, and Mohamad is his Messenger) and I never prayed all these while? I know for the fact that would make me a “kafir”!

 

As you all know, I now work in a foreign company. I am the only Muslim in the management team. The team is based all over the world, my boss in the United Kingdom, and my colleagues in Singapore, United States, Germany and Mauritius. Recently I decided that we all need to get together in Malaysia, so that we can finally be in the same room, and all the tensions that have been generating all these while can be eased and that we can finally come together as a team. During that 3 days, I had to slip out a few times to perform my prayers. No one batted an eyelid. We had our dinners every night and I was the only one not drinking. No one batted an eyelid. They did asked whether I had ever drank. And I told them the honest truth, I was a heavy drinker at one time, and I stopped many years ago because of religion. Have I ever “fallen of the wagon” before? Yes, I have, and every time I did, I regretted it.

 

To me, religion is a personal thing. It is something that each one of us has the right to choose.

 

“There is no compulsion in religion. Truth has been made clear from error.  Whoever rejects false worship and believes in God has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that never breaks.  And God hears and knows all things.” (Al-Baqarah 2: 256)

 

“Fight in the cause of God against those who fight you, but do not transgress limits. God  does not love transgressors.” (Al-Baqarah 2: 190)

 

“The truth from your Lord (has come in this Qur'an). Whoever wills (to believe), let him believe; and whoever wills (to disbelieve), let him disbelieve.” (Al-Kahf 18: 29)

 

Unfortunately, we as Muslims (especially in Malaysia) have been led not by the Quran, but by politicians who professed to be experts in everything! And since the opposition also has an Islamic partner in their convoluted team, UMNO has to find ways to neutralise them. But, seriously guys, using religion??? EAT MY GOLF BALLS!!!!

 

We all know how Shia started. To the philistines, the Shiites believe that Saidina Ali ibn Abi Talib, the cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Mohamad (s.a.w) should have been his successor instead of the three Caliph, Abu Bakar, Umar and Uthman. This schism eventually led to the battle of Karbala (present day Iraq), and the death of Hussein, the grandson of the Prophet Mohamad (s.a.w).

 

And now suddenly Malaysia is not going to recognise Shia, which is practiced by 25% of the world’s Muslim population??? Wow, where does that say in the Quran? And where does it say in the Quran, that we must seize any books that mentions Allah in it? Yes, we don’t recognize the second testament as a legitimate bible? The Quran recognises the Christians and the Jews as the “people of the book”, the Torah and the Injil (the first testament). WE INDEED LIVE IN A VERY STRANGE COUNTRY!

 

fortius quo fidelius – 24th January 2014

 

As I sit here in the beautiful island of Mauritius, trying my best to solve all the problems that my company is encountering with the regulator and the business partner here, something struck me as very peculiar about the place.

 

To those who don’t know much about Mauritius, it was originally a French colony and later conquered by the British. Despite the British having conquered the island and imposed British rules on the island, the British decided to allow the population to continue practicing whatever custom that had been brought by the Napoleonic French. So until this day, even though the island is part of the British Commonwealth, it is actually a republic with a President (appointed by the government as head of the constitution) and the Prime Minister as the head of the government. But what is most peculiar about the place is the fact that most people here speak French or French Creole even though English is the official language. What is even more peculiar is the fact that 70% of the population is of Indian origin, and they all speak Creole amongst themselves. They all look Indian, have Indian names, except some with some sort of French surnames, and many are practising Hindus. In fact Thaipusam (albeit celebrated on a different date from the one celebrated in Malaysia) and Diwali (Deepavali) are two of the 11 public holidays. In fact 2 other religious holidays are also part of the annual public holidays, the other two being Christmas and Eid Fitri.

 

Despite the fact that the majority of the population is of Indian origin, they don’t seem to behave like Indians, nor do they say that they are Indians. I don’t even know whether they speak Tamil or Hindi, though at least two of the TV channels have Hindi movies. And they are quite a number of Hindu temples around the island. Yet the Indians see themselves as Mauritians. It wasn’t until today that someone actually admitted being an Indian, when he said “You know how we Indians travel …….”.  

 

Despite being the majority, and most of the government ministers are of Indian origins, they never imposed their language or culture on the rest of the population. And the Indians have been there for generations. They practically control the government and commerce. So why do they see themselves as Mauritians, speak the French Creole language (which is the language of the original five French families that once owned the whole island) and behave like the French? Why haven’t they imposed their and language on the population, or demand for Indian schools? Strange, isn’t it?

 

Just imagine that in Malaysia the Malays suddenly stop fornicating completely, and the Chinese suddenly end up as a majority in the country. I am quite sure, the whole population will be expected to be speaking Mandarin, and that all schools will be turned into Chinese schools. The Sultans will probably end up working as waiters in Chinese Kopitiams!

 

I have said before that language is probably the best unifying tool in a multi-cultural country.

 

"Language is the roadmap of a culture. It tells you where its people came from and where they are going."  -  Rita Mae Brown

 

"Language is power, life and the instrument of culture, the instrument of domination and liberation."  -  Angela Carter

 

“If there's any interaction between genes and languages, it is often languages that influence genes, since linguistic differences between populations lessen the chance of genetic exchange between them.” - Luigi Luca Cavalli-Sforza

 

As I watch the Mauritians interact, irrespective of their race or religion, they are fairly united, and it is all because they speak the same language. And it is the same in Indonesia. The only difference in Indonesia is the fact that the Malays are the vast majority of the population, and Bahasa Indonesia was imposed on the whole population. Yet the Chinese in Indonesia not only speak Bahasa Indonesia in public but even at home. They are very proud to be Indonesians. And no one complains! Not that I know of, anyway.

 

Today, the country is probably at its most polarized state since independence. How do you expect the chicken and the duck to live in the same coop, when they don’t understand each other?

 

Have the Mauritians of Indian origin stop practicing Hinduism by adopting the Mauritian language and culture? No! Have they forgotten that their ancestors came from India? No! They still use Indian names. They still watch Hindi movies, from Bollywood! So, in every sense they are still very much Indians. In fact when they took me for lunch on the first day, they insisted that I go to a Mauritian restaurant that serves curries! No beef to be seen, but plenty of lamb, chicken and venison! Despite calling themselves Mauritians, they are very Indian in every other way. And they form 70% of the population! Very peculiar indeed!

 

We are all fond of blaming the politicians for the state that we are in, but then Malaysians generally are not very good at taking personal responsibilities! Politicians are basically people who “play to the audience”. At the end of the day, it is the audience who decides whether the politicians continue playing on the stage.

 

“I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.” -  Jarod Kintz

 

“I would just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen. Something that I think is very important. It is that, you, we - we own this country. We - we own it, and not politicians owning it. Politicians are employees of ours.” - Clint Eastwood

 

Perhaps we should send Malaysian politicians and ordinary Malaysians to Mauritius to learn how to be a Malaysian.

 

 

Malo nodo, malus quærendus cuneus – 30th January 2014

 

Desperate times requires desperate measures.

 

That’s the official motto of PKR now, especially for Mat Bontot.

 

How desperate can you be when you have to get a duly elected representative of the State Assembly to resign so that you can then contest the state by-election and thinking that you are going to be the next Chief Minister of Selangor? First you screw the backside of the elected representative, then you are trying to screw the people of Kajang, with the hope that you can then screw the people of the richest state in the country. WHAT A BIG JOKE!!!!! EAT MY GOLF BALLS!!!

 

And yes, the coalition partners are fully behind it!!! The DAP, the most “kurang ajar” (insolent, to put in mildly) party run by the most “kurang ajar” father and son team, and PAS, a party that purports to be solely for the upholding of Islamic principles!!!! MY FOOT!!!!!

 

That’s what happens when you are desperate to be a “leader”. Can’t win the general election and become the Prime Minister, being a Chief Minister will do! It is a lot easier to screw a state than the whole country (which is the domain of UMNO anyway!).

 

And the poor man who has saved RM3 billion for Selangor will be retired gracefully in some cow farm somewhere. This is the man who ran the state like a corporation, a man trained by the man that epitomised integrity, the late Tun Ismail Ali. Legend has it that the late Tun gave his late wife the same amount of household allowance for 50 years! Talk about frugality. He finally increased the allowance after someone whispered to his ears that there is such a thing called inflation! Man, the guy who whispered that must have been very brave trying to educate the former Governor of the central bank about inflation!!!

 

I really hope that the good people of Kajang will teach this bastard a lesson. His grovelling Deputy President and another famous “lembut” (soft) high ranking official of the party have gone to town espousing the greatness of Mat Bontot. First some years ago, his “I stand by my man” wife said that he’s a gift from God. Now the two arse kissers have even compared him to Winston Churchill! Yep, the great cigar chomping Winston Churchill, the former Prime Minister of Britain who died 5 days after I was born 49 years and 1 week ago, the only British Prime Minister to have won the Nobel Prize in Literature.

 

I would rather compare Mat Bontot to Hitler, as quoted by Churchill;

 

“Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this island or lose the war. If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free and life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if we fall, then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science.”

 

So to the folks of Kajang, STAND UP TO THIS DESPICABLE MAN!!!!  

 

In the meantime, the sad case of the husband and wife team who was jailed for hitting their son’s hand for not performing the prayers in Sweden has not been resolved. And this is a country that talks about freedom and yet the two have been held without trial for more than a month. If you ask me, the only reason that the couple is treated harshly is because they are Muslims! Not only are they punishing the couple, they are also punishing the four children by placing them in a non-Muslim home where the foster family keeps a dog and eat non-halal food! Talk about hypocrisy. WE BELIEVE IN FREEDOM, EXCEPT FOR MUSLIMS!

 

Why did those idiots who protested in front of the Japanese embassy (after Mat Bontot was barred from entering Japan) did not protest in front of the Swedish embassy. I would be happy to provide the placards for them and maybe some matches to burn the effigy of the Swedish Prime Minister. Maybe they should just burn the Swedish embassy!!!

 

Being barred from entering Japan was so damned important to these idiots!! Why does Mat Bontot need to travel overseas practically every month? More than the number of trips to his own constituencies??? As mentioned by the Chief Editor of the Star, a week ago, perhaps Mat Bontot, when filling up his visa application confused the word “melawat” (visiting) to “meliwat” (sodomise)! Hmmm, I thought the guy has a degree in Malay literature!

 

By the way, I have been given a “super-secret” transcript of a conversation between the sex slave of the Empress Dowager with the Prime Minister of Bangladesh, Sheikh Hasina, during his last trip there. Now, in the word of Rene Artois, “I shall zay diz only wanz”. You are strongly advised against transmitting this transcript to anyone, as if the Special Branch gets hold of this, they know that there is a mole in their ranks, and I shudder to think what will happen to that mole!

 

Here’s the transcript:

 

Sheikh Hasina    :               What? Forty thousand Bangladeshi voted for you in the general election? How did you do that? I can’t even get four Bangladeshis to vote for me in the last election!

 

The Slave             :               Eh Madam, but didn’t you win the last election democratically?

 

Sheikh Hasina    :               Oh yes, he he. (winking)

 

The Slave             :               Are you trying to hit on me?

 

Sheikh Hasina    :               What??? No, I was winking at the Empress Dowager!

 

The Slave             :               Oh, sorry. So who voted for you?

 

Sheikh Hasina    :               Hmmm, actually I got 400,000 Malaysian Indian Muslims to come here for holidays. And by the stroke of luck, they all happened to have some ancestral roots here, and we do allow them to vote in our election.

 

The Slave             :               Wow, you really know how to run elections Madam!

 

Sheikh Hasina    :               My dear, haven’t you learned anything all this while. Just like Malaysia, it takes a woman to run a country!

 

To all my Chinese friends, GONG XI FA CAI!!!!!

 

Brevis ipsa vita est sed malis fit longior – 9th February 2014

Our life is short but is made longer by misfortunes.

 

That’s according to Pubilius Syrus, whoever the hell he is!

 

That’s definitely not how I felt when I had a small misfortune last week, courtesy of Malaysian Airlines. I was flying to Singapore for a meeting. And I have since the very first time I took an airplane journey, some 31 years ago, been having terrible battles with airlines. Ninety percent (yup 90%) of my fights are delayed. It is ironic that for someone who is a stickler for time, very disciplined, and has little patience, airplanes always get the better of me. Cest la vie.

 

Singapore flights generally are delayed by about 30 minutes for me. So as I had a 10.30 am meeting with one of the largest investment bank in the world, I took the 8.05 am flight, thinking that even if it is delayed, I would still make it to my meeting on time, as getting from the airport to the meeting place is fairly quick. I know Singapore and its transport system very well. When I got to the airport check-in counter, true enough the flight had been delayed and will take off at 8.25 am. Ok, as expected. It is me after all taking the flight and IT IS MALAYSIAN AIRLINES! I was told that Malaysian Airlines staff are not allowed to wear watches. The planes will take off based on sun dials which have been fitted in the cockpits. This is part of their effort to save cost. I can’t verify this, but my sources are very reliable.

 

Now, the plane was to take off from the main terminal, and as some people may not know, there are no smoking areas in the main terminal. I know, I am still smoking, and I have been trying to stop after a few bouts of bronchitis. Anyway, I decided to go to the satellite terminal (where there are smoking areas) and sit in the Malaysian Airlines lounge and enjoy my nasi lemak and sambal sotong, and then smoke. The lady manning the counter at the lounge was kind enough to let me do this. At around 7.45, I decided to take the aerotrain back to the main terminal and walk my way to the gate. Went in, sat down, and saw the plane sitting out on the tarmac, being loaded with baggage. Announcement after announcement came, but no boarding announcement for my flight. At 8.25, suddenly they announced that the due to some technical difficulties, the plane will only take off at 10 am!!!

 

I quickly rushed to the counter and told the staff manning the counter, I need to arrive in Singapore at 10 am. Please put me on another flight. As I was asking him, a few others came too and requested the same. After making a few calls, printed out something, he managed to get us on another flight, but only for those with no checked-in luggage. So the nine of us were escorted to the satellite terminal as the other flight was taking off from the other terminal. When we got to the other gate at the satellite terminal, the 5 ladies manning the gate refused to let us in. They said the gate has been closed, though there were still people in the boarding area who still have not boarded! The lady in charged, just refused to budge. She said that the pilot would not agree! Now you have to understand, these ladies are bigger than the pilot. They hold the keys to the gate!!! The other eight passengers were pleading, arguing, cajoling and whatever else. I just decided not to take part and juts watch. Why bother joining in when there were already eight others fighting for you! Finally, it was obvious that there was no way that these ladies were going to budge. And the flustered gentleman who had gotten the go ahead to change our flight just gave up, and told us to either go back to the original gate, and get a FREE BREAFAST VOUCHER (woo hoo!!!), or try to get another flight on our own. So I walked away, call my colleague in Singapore and told him that I wasn’t going to make it to the meeting. But he insisted that I still come, as I was carrying 500 pages of document (!!!!!), and I was needed in the meeting.

 

So, I slowly trudged to the lounge and asked the nice lady that served me earlier if she could help me out. She started punching furiously into the keyboard. “Ha, sir, your MH 601 flight will now take off at 10.30 am!” Putting on my “hungry little kitty face (if that is even possible!)”, I asked her if there was any other earlier flight? “I am really sorry sir.”, she replied. The only other flight was at 10.50, and it was Singapore Airlines. Now, I was faced with a very delicate situation. Do I wait for the original flight at 10.30 (which may still not take off on time, knowing Malaysia Airlines) or take the 10.50 Singapore Airlines, which will very likely take off on time as it was Singapore Airlines (these guys always take off on time, even if there is a typhoon!) So I asked the nice lady whether it was possible to change to Singapore Airlines. Again she punched furiously onto hey keyboard. “I am sorry, Sir, your ticket is  a “part redemption” ticket. You will have to purchase a new ticket from Singapore Airlines.”. She tried her best. So I just asked her if I could get in the lounge again, and have a few cigarettes (as I was really stressed out!!!). She let me in, and told me that she will personally get me when the plane is ready. So I went in, took a can of coke, and went straight to the smoking room.

 

At 9.50, I decided just to check with the nice lady again. She called the gate, and was informed that the plane will take off at 10.30, but the pilot is nowhere to be seen!!! Now, I am not a pilot, nor can I fly a 737 jet, but I do know one or two pilots. You do need to be in your plane, making sure everything is ok at least 1 hour before your flight. Where on earth was the pilot? Getting a blow job from the flight attendants?? I was furious when I heard that. Even the nice lady was shocked with the response she got from the gate. She advised me to just go to the gate as it was on the other side, and wait there. So off I went again.

 

I arrived at the gate and endured my third check! Took out my laptop from the bag! Take out my two handphones, bluetooth set, my belt, etc FOR THE THIRD TIME!! AND THE F*****G ALARM (or whatever you call it) STILL WENT OFF!!!! MUST BE MY STEEL IMPLANTED PENIS!!!!

 

Ten minutes later I was seating in the last seat of the business class with a big frown on my face. I even refused to acknowledge the greetings from the flight attendants. And lo and behold, 5 minutes later, the pilot made his announcement. “I am really sorry for the delay. For your information, we haven’t got the clearance from Singapore Air Traffic Controller. The Singapore airspace is currently closed until 11.35 am due to the Singapore Air Show. We will take off once we receive clearance from the Singapore Authority”. If only I had a gun then, I would have shot the pilot!!!! EAT MY GOLF BALLS!!!

 

WE TOOK OFF AT 11.15, three hours and 10 minutes after the original slot!!!!! I arrived in Singapore at 12.10, and switched on my handphone. My colleague just sent me a WhatsApp message at 11.51 saying that the meeting was over. There was no need for me to come over. I felt like taking the 500 page document and throwing it into the Kallang River (in Singapore). But instead I took the damned document to Singapore Post branch at the airport and posted it back to me in Kuala Lumpur. Twenty minutes later, I went to the Malaysian Airlines counter and asked if I could get the earliest flight back. The Singaporean manning the counter, look at my details, and asked me what happened as I just landed less than an hour ago. I told him what happened and he got me onto the next available flight at 3.25 pm. I went to the lounge and had lunch, did my prayers and just slept and waited for the flight.

 

Now, I left my apartment at 5.30 am, and left my car at KL Sentral and took the train to the airport. If I had driven straight to Singapore at 5.30 am, I would be in Johor Baru by 8 am. Believe me, I have done two hours from Pan Pacific Hotel in Johor Baru to Sungei Besi toll. I could actually drive into Singapore and arrive at the meeting on time!!!!!

 

SO TO MALAYSIA AIRLINES, YOU GUYS SUCK, AND EAT MY GOLF BALLS!!!!!       

 

 

 

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