Buaya and Ayam News

(Latest Updates at the Bottom of Page)

Introduction to the Latest Buaya at the Bottom

I am a member of the Kuala Lumpur Golf & Country Club (KLGCC). Description: Description: Description: Description: F:\Buffalo\My Documents\Pers Homepage\klgcc.jpg

Click on the photo to go to their web site.

As with any other golf clubs, there are quite a number of "buayas" and "ayams" around. You don't have to know about the "ayams", unless of course you are a "buaya". Then I will have to put your name here so that others will know what to do when they see you.

Buaya List

1.  Ungku (the best 22 handicapper in the world) Razak

2.  Sharkawi (the best 17 handicapper in the world) Alis

3.  E.K. (I only used 3 wood) Cheah

4.  Datuk Nik (I am Nick Faldo’s cousin) Din

Ayam List

1.  Hamid (aku dah lama tak main) Samad

2.  Fahizul (the bosnian) Khairi

A well known "buaya" currently at the club is Ungku Razak. His handicap at the club currently is 21, but like any "buayas" the handicap is the most important weapon for a "buaya". This "buaya" may be small in size, in fact he can be mistaken for a "cicak", but his bites can be very painful. This "buaya" was once known as "The Best 22 Handicapper in the World". Now, you don't get that kind of award if you are not damned good. Talk about "Malaysia Boleh".

I heard even Tiger Wood is thinking about hiring this guy, but since Tiger is on a "roll" now, he decided to stick with Butch Harmon. But I heard Butch occasionally calls this guy whenever Butch runs out of advice for Tiger. I even heard that he is negotiating for a cut of Butch's fee. Now that's a lot of money. Butch gets a cut of Tiger's winning. So far this year, Tiger's won about US$2.5 million. Butch gets about 15% of that. I don't know what our friend is getting but from what I heard our friend is asking for 60% of what Butch gets. So guys, we are dealing with a pro here. Watch out before you get bitten by this "buaya". Don't say I did not warn you!!!

Rudi Nazaruddin is another member of this club. But this guy is such a gentleman, the panel just could not put him in the "buaya" list. His handicap is 14 currently. This guy is one cool cat, nothing can "psycho" him. He probably has the best "short game" around. Even Fred Couples would be proud. Another good thing with this guy, you can open a "buku 555" with him. You don't have to pay your losses until the year end. And there is no interest charged. Though that may be in the pipe line since very soon he will be heading a public listed company.

Syed Najib who used to be a bit of a "buaya", then slowly turning into an "ayam" is now turning back into a "buaya". Last Saturday, 18th March 2000, he had 10 pars, and his handicap is supposed to be 20 now. His gross score was 86 (14 over) and this was at the West Course. Now if that is not a "buaya", I don't know what is. He not only bit all of us, he practically shredded us to pieces. He won so much money that he had to call Securicor" to escort him to the bank and deposit his winnings. I think I have to report him to the MGA (Malaysian Golf Association).

Ang Ting Kang is the pseudo member of the club. He probably plays there more than some of the members. His handicap at Glenmarie is 12 now. On top of that he plays with the wrong hand. He's a "leftie". Don't watch him tee-off. You are going to get very confused. But this man is ageing so fast, that very soon his handicap is going to be the same as his age. He's now constantly complaining about his body. Go and get married TK.

EK Cheah is another big "buaya" at the club. His handicap is 14. He practically lives at the club, especially during weekends. He also has the loudest voice at the club. He used to be the Chairman of the Handicap Committee. When he was in charge of handicapping, no body could get a handicap as he was so strict. You better watch yourself if you are playing in front of him. You better play damn fast, other wise he's going to chase you off the course. He is also a long hitter. His three wood is as long as my driver, and I do hit the ball quite long (I am not boasting, honest!!). But his game is in the rut now, so this is the time to take his money. I think since he no longer runs the Tandem outfit in Malaysia, he doesn't have any computers to analyse his game.

Hamid Samad is a stockbroker, and like any stockbroker he will try to negotiate his stroke as much as possible. He's favourite line is "aku dah lama tak main". I don't know which "main" he is referring to. He claims he is a 24. He is also married to a famous actress (who happens to be a qualified chartered accountant). That's why he is soooo good at acting. He would have won this year's Oscar if he had been nominated. He is a favourite "ayam" to quite a number of people, but this "ayam" can turn into a "buaya" anytime. Such a great actor. Why do you think he married an actress?

Fahizul Khairi can be mistaken for a "mat salleh". He looks like one, except he talks with a Kelantanese accent. Now you go figure that out. He is also now into "tongkat ali". I haven't seen that helping his golf. He uses a 5 wood to drive, and sometimes that 5 wood can go as far as my driver. Only when I duffed it lah. You can easily spot him on the course, with his looks and his flourescent green putter. This "ayam" is very dangerous. He can score ten on every hole and then suddenly par on the stroke hole. Can be good for a partner if you don't mind the distraction of the putter and the shining glare of his "almost botak" head

New Articles

-25th March 2000 and 9th April 2000

-6th May 2000 and 21st May 2000

-6th August 2000

-24th November 2000

-27th July 2001

-24th October 2001

-2nd November 2011  Annual Charity Tournament 2011

Latest Updates on the Buayas and Ayams – 2007

It is now almost 4 years since the last update. That’s 20 years in internet time. What to do, time flies so fast and a simple task as updating can sometimes be a real chore. Anyway here goes.

 

Latest Updates on the Buayas and Ayams - 2007

Time has certainly passed. It has been nearly 6 years since the last article appeared. I know a lot of my golfing friends have asked me about new updates, but unfortunately the last five years have been real hectic for me. When I left Bursa in September 2005, I thought I would have more time to write, but unfortunately the inspirations just were not there though I must say so many things happened to my fellow golfers that I should have enough materials. But writing is not as easy as people might think. Just ask Dan Brown. He did not write the Davinci Code in 2 days, and he had written a few books before that, yet the world only took notice after the Davinci Code.

Since 2001, not only the faces of the buayas and ayams have changed (except for some that’s beyond change), the courses have changed to. Of course Tiger Woods is still number 1, but he’s got a blonde on his arms now. I am sure some of my fellow golfers have the same wish too. But for most of us, it is too late for that now. Though some still make the occasional trips to Bangkok to be with some blondes in Patpong!! And some are even thinking of Ulan Bator in Mongolia!!

Some of my golfing friends have also adopted new lifestyles. Maybe the heart attacks and by-pass had something to do with it, though I must say that “Uncle” TK Goh is still hitting the balls 250 metres away despite the heart attack. But I would not advise anyone to get a heart attack to improve your drive.

For most of us, getting old is hard on our golf. Getting up for the early morning game has become a real chore. Then of course, the drive is no longer as long as it used to be. It is annoying, especially when you are out-driven by my 7 wood (which goes as far as 200 metres)…he he…just ask Ang Ting Kang!! I know I should not pick on him, especially since his drives sometime only reach the red tees…We all love you, Ang Ting Kang!! Who doesn’t love ayams!!

If you were to look at the faces and names on the Buaya and Ayam Club  not only will you notice that the faces have changed quite a bit (more grey hairs or no more hair), the handicaps have changed to. The Aznan (KFC Man) is no longer in KFC, so he has stopped eating ayams. I heard he is globe trotting nowadays. Maybe after the bad experience in KFC, he no longer has the appetite of the local ayams.

Ang Ting Kang is no longer the “jaguh kampong” at Glenmarie. He is no longer “jaguh”. What a real shame!! I had so much hope of him finally joining the senior tour now that he is 50, but unfortunately he failed miserably when he tried to qualify for the senior tour recently. He is still unmarried though, so if anyone knows of any young woman who is looking for a man with lots of Bursa shares, he’s the man!!

Rudi is still the cool chipping experts, though he is beginning to feel the age. How else do you think I managed to beat him “full-house” on the first nine at the Mines a few weeks back. He knows every blade of grass at the Mines!! After taking a back seat at Formis, I thought he was going to be slaughtering more ayams. But it does not seem to look that way. Maybe the new life in a bungalow has affected him!!

Ungku Razak has somewhat disappeared from the golf course ever since his retirement. Not sure whether he has picked up some new hobby. As many of us know, when he finds a new hobby, he’ll be into it like there’s no tomorrow. Let’s just hope that whatever new hobby that he has does not involve making trips to Ulan Bator!!

Lew (the Towkay) Lup Seong is now too busy auditing people, with his new role of Chief Internal Auditor at Bursa Malaysia. He is so fierce in his new role that he now has a moustache. Not sure whether it is to make him look “garang” or to attract chicks! He even almost got into a fist fight whilst performing his duties. He is still claiming to be 22, but I will not comment on that.

YKK (the zipper) is now the only CIO in Bursa Malaysia. Previously he had to share the post. Now that he is the sole CIO, maybe the game will be better.

Sharkawi, the shark, is another retiree that has somehow disappeared. I think he is still terrorizing people on the golf course, but he is probably concentrating on his fellow retirees.

Fahizul (the Bosnian) is now known as  Mr Shanker, as he is now shanking every drives, and sometimes every shot. Now it is no longer safe to just stay behind him when he hits the ball. It is best to stay in the club house when he is hitting the ball. Better still, stay at home! Datuk Nik Din and I had the unfortunate incident of having nearly been killed by his drive which went 45% to his right straight at the poor Datuk who was in the buggy. If not for my sixth sense of getting off from the buggy before he teed-off, I would not be here writing this. He missed Datuk by a mere 1 feet! The ball actually went through the sign board on the 8th hole of the East course. The club has since replaced sign board (the one with the BMW) with a metal one.

Mr Mr Jeffrey (Two Towels) Fok is now busy in Cambodia and Vietnam. He says that it’s for his company. I have not verified that yet Maybe I should make a trip or two to these places to see whether he really is selling his software there. Hmmmm…..Ulan Bator too far, is it, Jeff?

Mr Ow Yong (the one eyed Kung Fu master) Min Che has now moved to a hill residence overlooking the course, maybe to keep an eye on the buayas and ayams on the course.

Mr Damien (Long John) Yeoh is as steady as ever. I am not sure whether he is preparing himself for the senior tour when he qualifies, but he is definitely on the right track.

Mr Eugene Loke is now driving a Cayenne. Do I need to say more?? Who says you need to join the PGA tour to afford a Porsche??

Another buaya (that is pretending to be an ayam) that you really need to watch is my former boss, Datuk Nik Din. He will come to you with all the sob stories to get strokes. And he will then let you win a few holes initially, and he will start throwing his clubs. Then he will ask for some more strokes. Seeing how “bad” his game is, you then fall for it….and then you get slaughtered!! I heard Martin Scorcese is writing a role for him in his new movie!!

Right folks, that’s all the updates that I have. Oh, yes, I have got my hole in one….

Introduction to the Latest Buaya - 2011

Yes, folks, another up and coming buaya has just been discovered. This guy used to be my colleague at VADS, and I should have seen the potential then. I have always been known to spot new talents (even Sir Alex Ferguson once thought about hiring me to find new football talents, but I had to decline as I find it difficult to work with someone with strong Scottish accent. Hey, you have to understand what your boss is saying!).

His name is Mr James (the ever smiling salesman) Kwai, who has finally rediscovered his sanity and moved to CSC to become one of their Sales Directors. Now, just look at that smile. Don’t be fooled!!! Like the buaya who pretends to be dead like a log, the moment you get into the river, you are dead meat.

That smile would melt the hearts of many women (believe me , it has), and on the golf course that smile would melt the heart of many golfers that they would readily accept his handicap of 16 (He could easily play to 12).

But this guy can really play. Not only can he hit it long, his iron play can be quite sharp. And how do you handle him? I found the secret! Make sure you take him to the golf course that serves beer on the course. Otherwise you will have to “tapau” some and keep them in a cooler and bring them to the course. Believe me, that’s the only way!!!

So to you guys playing at Glenmarie, watch out for this ever smiling buaya.

 

 

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